


JurassicKlok

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack, Gen, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:46:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3508862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They go back in time.  WAY back in time, because the time travel face bags actually work.<br/>I was gonna wait to post this one but fuck it, I'm impatient.<br/>Warning: Scientifically incorrect</p>
            </blockquote>





	JurassicKlok

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, here’s another of those “this is what happened because I’m not writing that part” things I do. They decided to go back in time because they saw something on tv they thought looked cool. It was one of those History channel shows that covers a whole bunch of crap. Unfortunately they all had different things in mind, not that it would have made any difference, but it went all wrong.  
> So this starts with them already oopsed into the distant past.  
> (I started this forever ago and then couldn’t write, so it got stalled for a while.)

“Bags off!” Nathan could tell he was no longer sitting on the couch, so they must be there!  
Plastic rustled all around as they stripped off their bags and stuffed them in their pockets. Looking around, it was clear that something wasn’t right. Instead of any assortment of cool historical places, there was only rocks, grass, and plants. It wasn’t interesting at all!  
They stood, but that didn’t change the view much.

Suddenly a large shadow passed over them, a plane? They looked up expectantly.  
_That_ was not a plane, nope, not a plane at all!  
“DINOSAUR!” Toki made a move to run after it, but Nathan snagged him by the hair and pulled him back. “Owie!”  
“Somebody put a leash on Toki. This is not good, you guys! We need to... Fuck, I don’t even know.”

“Mebbe we should do tha buddy system thing? Like when yer a liddle kid an they make you hold hands so nobody gits lost?” Pickles was nervous, that thing had looked big enough to carry him off.  
“That’sch gay! I’m not holding handsch with anybody!” Murderface crossed his arms for good measure.  
Pickles slid closer to Nathan and took his hand. Nathan looked down at the little guy grinning up at him hopefully and just shrugged. “Uh, okay.”

Nathan held up his other hand, which was still full of Toki’s hair. “Skwisgaar, take him.”  
“Fines.” Somebody had to do it. “Okay dildo, I guess I ams stucks wit’ you.”  
Toki tolerated the grip, but clearly still wanted to run off chasing dinosaurs.  
Murderface pouted. “Oh I schee, thisch wasch your plan all along! Leave me out!” They ignored him.

Nathan realized they were all waiting for him to decide what to do. He’d better try to think then. Maybe they weren’t really in the past, maybe this was Jurassic Park? Except that was just a movie. _Or was it?_ They were still waiting. “Uh...”  
Suddenly a small dino ran out from behind some rocks and raced past them, causing Pickles to try to climb Nathan like a cat.  
Skwisgaar had to brace himself as Toki predictably tried to run after it, but he had very strong fingers and Toki couldn’t pull free.

Nathan managed to shrug Pickles back to the ground. “Okay, if we stay near these rocks and stuff then stuff can jump out at us. But if we go out in the open and something big tries to eat us then we can’t hide.”  
“I schay we head that way.” Murderface pointed to a large rock formation in the distance. “Maybe we can find schome cave ladiesch, if you know what I mean.”  
“Yeah okay, a cave would be good. Let’s stay close to cover where we can on the way.”

They had barely walked any distance at all when Toki spotted yet another dinosaur and tried to drag Skwisgaar toward it. “Fucks, Toki!” He pulled back as hard as he could.  
“Murderface, help Skwisgaar! Grab Toki’s other hand and weigh him down some.”  
“Scho you’re calling me fat now? And I don’t want to hold hisch hand! That’sch gay! Beschidesch, Schwisgaar’sch doing fine!”  
“Dood, doesn’t it git kinda cramped in thet clahset of yers?”

Murderface did not take Toki’s other hand, and Nathan decided it was probably easier to just try to stay within lunging distance than reason with him.  
They felt the next ones before they saw them, and then the herd came charging over the hill. There were five of them, those big kind with the three horns and the huge neck shield things. Even Toki had enough sense not to try to go after these as they thundered past, fortunately for Skwisgaar’s shoulder.  
All clear? The continued on.

There was a surprising lack of other dinosaurs, although they did see a lot of footprints. Some of them were really huge, some looked like extra big versions of stuff they knew like cat prints, and some were human. Maybe Murderface would get his cave ladies after all.  
They passed a small cave, but there was something big and asleep in there so they hurried on.

“Somebody tells me why we can’ts jus’ be goings home de way we comes? We still gots de bags.” Skwisgaar could be logical at times.  
“No we don’t, because plastic hasn’t been invented yet!”  
“But dey’s right here in our pockets.”  
“I SAID PLASTIC HASN’T BEEN INVENTED YET!”

Nathan’s yell startled another small dinosaur, and Skwisgaar had to struggle to hold Toki back once again. “Stops pulling mine arms off or I holds you by de hairs instead!”  
“Maybe you schould threaten to hold him by the dick inschtead.”  
“Nots helpsing, Murderface.”

They made it the rest of the way without incident. There was an obviously clear area off to the side, a way in, but it might be a bad idea to walk right up to cavemen. There was a low spot on this side, just above their heads, and the rock was sloped enough to climb. A small amount of brush at the top would offer some camouflage.  
Maybe they could get some food and possibly some dino repellant?

“Murderface, here holds on to Toki. I looks.”  
Murderface _very_ reluctantly took Toki’s hand, and they watched Skwisgaar ease up the rock.  
“Can you schee them? Are they hot?”  
“Dood, yer askin’ him? He fucks anything.”  
“Actuallies... Noes, they’s not hot at all. Ams kinds of hards to tell which ones ams even de ladies.”

“Wowee, we actually finds somebody you won’ts fuck?”  
“Shuts up, dildo, I has some standards. Nots very many, I admits dat, but I still has some.” He slid down and took Toki’s hand back from Murderface.  
“They have food, I can smell it. I’m hungry. I wonder what dinosaur tastes like?”  
Skwisgaar shrugged, “Can’ts be worse dan dat troll we all eats.”  
“That troll wasch taschty! What’sch wrong with you?”  
Pickles kicked a rock. “Eh, prahably tastes like alligator or sahmthing. I’m hungry too though.”

“Pickles, do you have a lighter?”  
“Do I have a lighter? Of course I’ve gat a lighter!” He pulled out a handful of plastic disposable ones. “I always carry a lighter, and a spare in case I lose it, and anudder spare in case I lose thet one, and....”  
“OKAY. Let’s make a fire.”

They moved a further from the entrance, around behind a higher part of the wall. Or mountain, or whatever. It was hard to gather much wood with only one hand free (Murderface was being unhelpful), but they managed to collect a pile of twigs and a few branches. Pickles lit it, and it caught slowly. He held a branch in the flames until it caught, then lifted it out and studied the burning end.

“I bets if we shows them we has fire, then they thinks we’s gods or somethings?”  
“Toki, yer a genious!” Letting go of Nathan, Pickles suddenly scrambled up the wall, holding his flaming branch high. “I MADE FIRE! I AM YER GAWD!”  
A spear bounced off the rock, barely missing him, and Nathan yanked him down. “They’re not buying it! Let’s get out of here!”

A cave person cleared the top of the wall, another spear poised.  
Murderface threw a rock managing to hit his target’s throwing hand by sheer luck, and the spear went off course. “Wash that a woman?”  
“WHO CARES? THEY’RE TRYING TO KILL US!”  
They ran, reached the closest set of big rocks and dove behind them. They were safe for the moment but dead if the cave people decided to come after them.

“I don’ts wants to get eaten! I wants to goes home!”  
“I knows, Toki, I knows. I wants to goes home too.”  
“Well I guessch we all forgot to pack our ruby schlippersch.”  
Pickles stood up, trying to lean around the side of the rock. “THIS IS NO WAY TO TREAT YER GAWD!”  
Nathan yanked him back down. “Shut up or I’ll let them eat you!”

Toki, closest to the edge, had spotted another small dinosaur. This one was a baby or something, it wasn’t much bigger than a cat. Not wanting to get yanked by the hair (or the dick), he was quietly truing to lure it closer. It seemed curious, hopping a few steps closer and cocking its head.  
So far, the others didn’t seem to have noticed it. That was good, they’d probably scare it away.

“Nathan, we has to use de bags agains.”  
“You mean the bags that don’t exist because plastic hasn’t been invented yet?”  
“Ja, we has to takes de bags dat don’ts exists outs of our pockets and puts dem on our heads so we can goes home.”  
“Dood, it’s werth a shawt.” Pickles shrugged, and dug out his bag. The others did too, even Nathan.  
They put on the bags.

And they were home!  
There was no way to tell if it was the right day or not, but they were home and that was close enough for them.  
And Toki was holding a baby dinosaur. He’d managed to get it close enough to grab at the last minute, and it had come with him. Fortunately it seemed friendly, so far at least. Or in shock. It was just sitting there.

Charles suddenly walked in, he’d been looking for them. “Oh good, you’re all here. You’ve got that anointment in an hour and-“ He broke off, looking at Toki. “Ah, Toki? What’s that in your lap?”  
“I gots a dinosaur, he’s a real cool dinosaur!”  
“Good lord.” Somehow, it really was a living and breathing dinosaur. Charles pinched the bridge of his nose hard and wondered just how he was going to deal with this one.


End file.
